Hitting a Wall

I’ve hit a wall. I’ve worked my ass off to try and be positive even when everything feels like it’s going to hell and even if I can’t be positive, I’ve found the strength to go on and the ability to find a silver lining. Right now, though, everything feels so heavy. I love feeling like I’m helping future teachers by being a CT, but not teaching my kids right now and watching someone else teach SO DIFFERENTLY than me is so hard. Hard on my heart. Hard on my nerves. Hard on my body because I’m just sitting down doing nothing. I feel trapped. I feel like I’m suffocating. And on top of all that? I feel I’m failing my Student Teacher by being too demanding of a CT, but I feel that doing less goes against what I believe makes a good CT. This experience honestly makes me not want to be a CT anymore. IDK how my CT did it. She was demanding, but I always felt love and support from her. I am the teacher I am today BECAUSE of her. Honest to goodness. Without my CT’s sometimes brutal feedback, I wouldn’t have been prepared for my first year of teaching. But I feel like I’m breaking my ST when I give (even delicately worded) feedback. I’m looking forward to next year without a ST. And…I don’t know if I’m going to be open to taking on any more STs. I don’t tell anyone about this because I don’t want them to do what I did to my friend and tell me “but you’re such a good CT” blah blah blah. Speaking of friends…I feel like I’m being a really crappy friend. And a really crappy wife. I’m completely out of my element and I don’t feel I know how to get back. I just want to…distance myself from everyone until I get back in my element, but I can’t because I am CONSTANTLY SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE. And then on top of that, whenever I try to get my friend fix in by hanging out or talking to a friend, I screw it up. I’ve hit my wall for the school year. I’m trying hard to tend to my wounds, not give in to the negativity, and find my way up or around the wall…but staying on the ground just sounds easier. I’m tired. Tired of working SO DAMN HARD. Tired of feeling like no matter how hard I work, it’s all for naught. Tired of the constant flow of negativity coming from everywhere, including myself. I need a break.

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